For me, each episode of depression is different – the one I’ve just come out of included a particularly peculiar version of ‘see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil’. I’ll explain what I mean.
For a while every sensory experience was too much to bear. I felt visually overstimulated and just wanted to shut my eyes. I sought out silence at any opportunity. I just didn’t want to talk at all.
The only TV I could cope with was soaps. They were somehow comforting and unchallenging. My eyes felt as if they were hurting, so watching anything more challenging was out of the question.
I couldn’t listen to any form of music, and anyone talking – to me or others – felt like nails down a blackboard right next to my ears. All noise needed to be dimmed to about 20% of it’s capacity; any louder, and my whole body felt stressed.
And I just didn’t want to talk. It was simply too much effort. Opening my mouth to try to form words felt impossible to achieve, and when words did come out, they didn’t seem to make much sense to me, or anyone else.
Switching from Sertraline 50mg to Citalopram 20mg has lifted the darkness considerably. I’m not the pharmaceutical industry’s biggest fan, but finding the right anti-depressant medication can sometimes literally save your life.